Have you ever woken up and asked yourself: “Why am I here? Where do I go?” .
Often knowing that deep down, something in you is tired. Something in you is about to explode. You don’t know what to do. It is overwhelming. So many thoughts rushing in as fast as the fastest rap song you love. You can barely pick a thought. They move faster than your ability to perceive them. So fast. Like the speed of light.
At times, life can feel like a musical. Sometimes it feels like a dream theatre. Sometimes it feels as if the Berlin wall had never fallen inside the mind. We are free spirits, under the constant pursuit of freedom. That is the great irony… If we are free, why do we still search for freedom? I think the very realization of this, is quite sad. Why can’t we find freedom in the very place we found ourselves in? That is a good question. We keep moving. And again, thinking: “where do I go?”
I confess to dreaming life in terms of Disney intoxicated pieces of emotional, musical fairy tales. I confess to feeding my heart with sugar, converting my expectations magical, because I am a dreamer. I dreamt of being a Fairy one day. I’ll move again. Then, life throws you a street graffiti and you feel it is an answered prayer. An angel did it. What does it mean?
Lately, I’ve thought about Jesus. Was he a narcissist? Was he delusional? How many Jesus are there nowadays? My logical mind thinks: “What an abomination. Maybe all it takes to be a Christ is to suffer from Schizophrenia”. But he had a strong network. It was strong enough to reach our minds at this point in time/space. Two millenniums later, here we are, still thinking of that crazy guy. Did Jesus care about what others thought of him? Why is it that in the book of Mark he asks: “Who do people say I am?”. I am sure Freud would call that “giving a fuck about what people think”.
Jesus is the most famous human in history. Everyone has heard his name. But then again, so is Hitler. It always comes down to two extremes. The ones who change the world for peace. And the ones who change the world for destruction. Is it biological? is it genetics? Is it a choice? What is good? What is evil? Is the colour I see as pink, the same others see? Is the colour people see as blood red, the same I see with my eyes? How could we ever know the answer to that question? An eye transplant? Why do I have so many questions?
Do I want to add knowledge? Knowledge is entropy. When we ask questions we are immediately complicating our lives. It seems that as humans we have become addicted to learning. Is that my biggest sin? Wanting to learn more, instead of stopping, ordering my life and finding harmony?
Many of us go through life finding meaning. Sometimes mistaking our own thoughts, sometimes running away from our own minds. Sometimes rejecting ourselves. Yes, we can be our biggest ally, or our biggest enemy.